Brief thoughts

I heard a man speak today, for perhaps, 15 minutes.  And before I knew it, I was back at the place that I know well: The knowledge of how far off from where God and I both long for me to be.
There's something missing in my life.

I feel like today confirmed it.  It's the love of God.

It stands at the center of my unwieldy disposition, my fears, my future, my work ethic...

As if it is the Sun, and articles of my life are planets and space debris orbiting it...as if to say, "we're in this mess of a chaotic jumble and we're circling the main issue.  Look at the core of your life, and you'll see it too, Wilson."

As with my last post, I reiterate that I am "heading West"figuratively-spiritually...and I've decided to begin looking at physically-really doing that as well.

Someone said something this week about "doing God's will is not so much about going where He wants, but more often about doing His will wherever you are."  So, I'm considering paths which I had not considered previously.

Anyway, this seems to been the limit for length in which I could term this post "brief thoughts."

Farewell, and good hunting to each of you!
~Wilson.

Between the borders

This entry could as easily be entitled, "Entangled in the Curtain".  Although, at second glance, the word, "entangled," is a bit of a doozy.

Fact: The term, "doozy" comes from an automobile, called the Duesenberg, built in the early 1900's.  The vehicle was known to be very ornate and outlandish.
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I am not skilled to understand what I am going through.  As if stuck between the lands of past and future, I am wavering here, having crossed...and yet, not quite crossed the borders of both.  I paused in this state of mind tonight.  Thinking on "life" and "stuff"...

Asking myself, "Where are you going?".  Hah! Reminds me of a song I used to sing as part of a children's choir.  That seems like another life, watching the images pass through my memory.  Maybe the inconclusive nature of these type of thoughts is what drove Solomon to such cold and pruny words in Ecclesiastes?

If my life is a vapor...and I am dust returning to dust...
....
These thoughts are only cold beauties.  With no heart.  Much like a vixen female, they lure me with their shallow stamped eyes and vampiric intentions.

...Not sure where that came from.
....I'm not removing it though.
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My heart is so hungry these days.  I can't help but feel the urge to grab a girl's hand when she's talking to me, no matter who she is...Or to catch myself daydreaming about having a significant other...just being able to relax into her arms, rest in fullness of love...Everyday my heart longings grow more pronounced.  And to this day, I pray them into alignment with what an even deeper craving shouts for.  The Reality of the person of God.  And His relationship with me.
I want real Jesus.
Not letters in a book or sermons or suedo-church clubs that scrape by with teacup sized portions of living water.

I was not made to be tempered and contorted into uniform shapes with others...Like part of some christian garden full of banzai trees, being pruned and meticulously shaped into a lifeless-vegetable-borg army.

I was made for mountains with wind rushing over the trees, for rock climbing and shouting, for dancing with recklessness, and sharp, ringing laughter.  I was made for abounding life, prancing and leaping within my smile.  I was made to be happy.  To be consumed with beserker-like passion for love with my King.  I was made to be a man of strength and beauty.  I know this.
I feel it speaking...deep inside me.
Always slowly pulsing, like the deeper echo of a heartbeat in my bones, in my core, in...my spirit.

My heart is on a journey "westward", to the uncharted wild lands, to find Jesus.  I've packed my proverbial bags and left.  I'm going to look for the Spirit of God out in the wilderness.
This is my heart.
This is my plan.
I'm unalterably set on this path.  I may be a part of this life, the same as I was yesterday, but if you watch close enough, you'll see my heart is lost out there...wandering in search of God.

letter to a friend

Dearest Jesus,

My life is moving at light speed.  I feel like we're in the millennium falcon and the stars are rushing past us.

I don't want to miss out on the amazing things that are happening.  I want to slow my senses down and drink in every drop.
I try to believe that it's just a "season of divine acceleration" (haha) and that it will pass.  That soon we'll come out of warp speed and I'll have time to walk the autumn color-coated quiet streets and lazily contemplate beauty, romance, and dreams.  Doing things like that would be nice.

I want you to know, I think about you often.  I long to see your face.  I daydream about falling into your arms, and having peace wash over me...in one feel swoop wiping me clean, and leaving me in your warm embrace.

I don't understand where you're taking me...I know it's toward you, though...always toward you.

I'm not sure my point in writing you tonight, except...perhaps the therapeutic virtues of communicating that which is upon one's heart.  Anyway, I'm not looking for easy answers, but I am searching for You.  It's hard right now...not being able to touch You.  I want what we have to be real and tangible, to speak face to face, to know you like your Father knows you...deeply, intimately, fully.

That day will come.  It just hurts here, until it does.  My strongest affections and desires are for you.

Sincerely.

Questions without answers

"If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor,
he too will cry out and not be answered." ~Proverbs 21:13

Does this mean...the bum I awkwardly ignore, who smells like alcohol, when he's asking me for money, bothering me in Seattle?...The family that is "homeless," but has been begging at the same place for weeks, apparently not seeking help elsewhere?...The advertisements on television?...The requests in the back of christian books?...Anyone and everyone who is need?

I struggle with giving money to those who I believe don't deserve it/will waste it. 

Dear Jesus, rend my heart for the meek---no matter what they "deserve".

I must confess...

I've had to tell people some hard things this week.
Not hard for them to hear, but hard for me to make my mouth say.
Difficult for My heart to allow (because of Pride and Fear).
I'll get back to this later in this post...

I think often of myself as a vessel.  or...maybe a fridgerator is a better example.
And all the little hang-ups and hurts that are absorbed in normal life pile up like garish magnets and clips on the fridge door.  I really feel, and experience that confession wipes those things off.
It's really simple I suppose.  No mind-boggling christian-ish revelation here. lol.  But maybe we mistake simplicity for weakness...

All that to say, my point is simple: It is my growing personal belief that

 CONFESSION is the primary means of initiating holiness,

righteousness, godliness, and other 'ness's.

I am further persuaded that the power of confession (and to the next degree, repentance) is largely untapped in the lives of God-seeking Christians today.  Often times Confession and Repentance seem to just be meer steping-stones to the 'other stuff' of Christianity.  I believe that confession is so powerful and effective, that it is to be the backbone of a separated, spiritual lifestyle, in the midst of a carnal, physical world.  Confession is intimated linked to the power and the righteousness of Christ. Exhibit A:

James 5:15

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Confession and power are associated in the same verse.  I don't know, something to think about...

Let me further elaborate. Those little things that pile up are, furthermore, like weeds. If you don't remove the root, or if you ignore the growing issue, sooner than you could have imagined...it overwhelms the scenery.

And confession can be the hand-trowel, or the bulldozer (depending on the strength of your weed problem) you need to redecorate...so-to-speak. Breaking from the worldly parellels, I believe Confession, like much of our God-given activities has far-reaching consequences outside of just the life of the confessor.
Exhibit B:

Daniel 9:20-21
While I was speaking and praying, confessing my sin and the sin of my people Israel and making my request to the LORD my God for his holy hill-

While I was still in prayer, Gabriel, the man I had seen in the earlier vision, came to me in swift flight about the time of the evening sacrifice.

Think about the link between confession and the visitation (and really all that followed).
My personal confessions have largely been in relation to bitterness. 

Bitterness is all about holding on.  Confession is all about letting go. 

How much are we holding onto that keeps us from walking in the freedom and power God desires to give us?

I'm going to hack the post off here, and end in simply stating:
I think power of confession is largely overlooked.

The Heart-Wrenching Treachery of Israel

Jeremiah 1-5

(4:19) "Oh, my anguish, my anguish!  I writhe in pain."

This morning I was struck, bitterly struck, by the first chapters of Jeremiah.  Let me explain.
(basic summary: Israel was the favored child of God, they gave up that position to seek fake gods)

When I understand first and foremost, the intense power it took to create me...The vast insight and creativity to form me...The sheer greatness of the act of my creation...And the diligent, tender care with which God oversees his people...All the words of God begin to come into focus much more clearly.
(2:7a) I brought you into a fertile land to eat its fruit and rich produce...
(2:21a) I had planted you like a choice vine of sound a reliable stock...

Having taken that knowledge of my inception, it is a piercing blow to my heart, reading the first chapters of Jeremiah.  I can empathize with the fierce anger that burns within God at seeing his people turn from Him.  It is as if they, ignoring His presence in the room, turn and give credit of their blessed circumstances to another.  How rude! How horrible! How traitorous!  To further condemn them in their acts of disloyalty, it's not just any other they turn to, but one who is so far below the stature of God! It would be like thanking the fly in the window on the morning of December 25th for all the Christmas gifts you receive!
It is a preposterous thought, an insane and ridiculous notion, but Israel has committed this sin again and again!
(2:11-12) Has a nation ever changed its gods? (Yet they are not gods at all.) But my people have exchanged their Glory for worthless idols.  Be appalled at this, O heavens, and shudder with great horror," declares the Lord.
(2:27a) They say to wood, 'You are my father,' and to stone, 'You gave me birth.'
(2:19b) Consider then and realize how evil and bitter it is for you when you forsake the Lord your God and have no awe of me," declares the Lord, the Lord almighty.

Having given credit where it is NOT due, they were comfortable in this sin.  They refused to acknowledge wrong-doing.  They stayed in their wickedness, they settled in, they made a home there.
(2:25b) ...But you said, 'It's no use! I love foreign gods, and I must go after them.'

The time came, however, when things turned sour.  Their childish ignorance turned to childish tantrums.  They wanted God to save them, console and comfort them, just like old times.  Israel raged against God, they ignorantly forgot their wayward lives, their rebellious history of stinking sin.  They were blind as moles...Content to play in the dirt till it suited them no longer.  They pitied themselves, crying out for saving; wailing, turning bitter and casting accusations upon their God.
(2:27b) ...yet when they are in trouble, they say, 'Come and save us!'
(2:29) "Why do you bring charges against me?  You have all rebelled against me," declares the Lord.

Listen to how God sees the His beloved acting...
(2:23b-24) You are a swift she-camel running here and there, a wild donkey accustomed to the desert, sniffing the wind in her craving---in her heat who can restrain her?  Any males that pursue her need not tire themselves; at mating time they will find her.
(2:33) How skilled you are at pursuing love!  Even the worst of women can learn from your ways.
(3:2b) Is there any place where you have not been ravished?
(3:2c) By the roadside you sat waiting for lovers...
(3:3b) Yet you have the brazen look of a prostitute; you refuse to blush with shame.

Over and over again, Israel is described as the most heinous of philanderers, the most putrid of whores...
And then He says, "Return to me."  God just decides to redeem them.  They turn from their idols and repent.  They weep and cry out in anguished repentance, and God takes them back.
(3:12) ..."Return, faithless Israel,' declares the Lord, 'I will frown on you no longer, for I am merciful,' declares the Lord, 'I will not be angry forever...
During this process of calling them back to Him, he gives promises of safety, prosperity, and righteousness.

Israel is willfully disrepectful and unfaithful, and God leaves them to the just reward of their sins (for a time).  The story ends, though, with salvation, redemption, a returning to their first love: God.
He is a righteous judge and an extreme lover.
It is the most tremendous of logical paradoxes: Just and Loving???  Israel destroyed every miniscule bit of credibility they had with the Lord, grinding it to dust, and yet...And yet He chooses them in the midst of their clothes stained with lust, their homes filled with abominations, and their lives saturated in sin.

Doesn't His furious love just make you wanna weep?...

Words as actions.

I'll be brief.

I revelated (heh, yeah I think I just made that word up) something, 9 days ago.  I was sitting in the bottom room of Larry Gibbs' house, among the many furnitures and in the quiet aftermath of hours of soaking music.  I had asked for him if it was okay for us to spend some time in quiet.  And so: quiet time, we spent.

...See I had come that night with something a bit off.  You know that "off" feeling I'm talking about.  It can be unforgiveness, an idol you've allowed in your life, or simply not abiding in God when he has wanted you to.

So I lay down and waited, with a heart - stance of

"PLEADING/crying out that you move/touch me oh God/I'm desperate to be in the midst of your presence/
I hunger for You!" 

I don't know how long it was that I had been in a waiting stance that night (up until the point of asking for quiet)...but probably 3 minutes into the quiet of that room, I heard God speak into my mind. "Go home fulfilled"

Now, this is the moment I want to focus on.  Because God had spoken the words saying what I should be, but AT THE SAME TIME, made me what I should be. I became fulfilled.  And thus I realized that inherent in God's speaking of promises/commands is the actual work of what the promise/command declares.

He does both at once!  The provision for the working out of what he has promised christians is GIVEN and set out in the moment that the promise is spoken.  (sidenote: I realize God is eternal and this description doesn't work well with theological thoughts of God/time/when but you'll have to give me grace for that :)

*Now that's multitasking!*

SO! If we are to run with this thought, this TRUTH about God, I can say that when God has promised me a future of speaking to the nations about his Gospel, He has made the way for that.  given me everything I need for that.  mental struggles of my ability, preparedness, choices, timing, etc need to be CEASED and silenced...
I am ready. You are ready.  We have been made ready for each "mission" and "leading" of God in our lives, by his very word of telling us to do it.

When God tells me that I need only speak what is in my heart during a message in front of 75 teenagers at a youth winter retreat in 14 days, He is saying that He has chosen me for that.  He has prepared me for that. And all the details (so-to-speak) have been seen to. completed. finished.
hmmmm.
something to think about.
or better yet, to agree upon, and walk in.



Okay, so I lied.  I wasn't quite "brief" hahaha, but I'm sure you're all the better because of it.

Oh, and I almost forgot.  The best part of the night was the 45 minutes that followed that revelation with joyful thanksgiving flowing from my heart.  It's so cool to me that God blesses us by making the act of blessing Him so euphoric, and satisfying to our souls.

What I've learned

Nehemiah made confession for his whole nation/people. God blessed him and used him to lead his people back into right relationship.
Can I do the same for my people?

For some, we have to be different to become what we're meant to be.
It's lonely sometimes, but it's fulfilling, always.

Hard things must be done.
The outcome makes it worth it.

Spiritual Health is something to be maintained.
Continually resisting evil is necessary.


Yesterday I got my hair cut into a mohawk by a silly Filipino woman.
I went to Wal-mart, bought two boxes of hairdye.
I went home and spent the next 2 hours-ish changing the color of my mohawk to fiery orange with red tips.
Friends, family and pets have been doing double-takes ever since. They don't recognize me at first. The dogs bark and the people exclaim.
I want my heart to be a spiritual fiery-colored mohawk. Blatantly open in it's statement of faith: "I am bold. I am strong. I am confident. And I burnnnnn with purpose."

At Least It's Not Raining Butter.

This isn't a story about the brighter side of things, or greener grass.
I see green grass all the time in Washington state. (Though brightness isn't something to be expected in the winter here...)

It's frustrating to do hard things.

Talking to lost, misfit people is like trying to catch a frisbee with oven-mitts on.
But nonetheless, talk I do. Because it's the lost ones that I want to engage.---the ones who fit into society as well as a square peg in a round nostril. Even if they somehow wedge themselves in, it's super uncomfortable for the nose!

The posers deserve my attention. my valid conversation. my honest heart.
The overlooked and ashamed, that's who I'm hoping to get to know.
The embroiled and the blind need my compassion.
The idiots too. They need patient understanding from me. As hard as it is for me to say, those "idiots" who I can't help but rage at, within my heart, they need what I've been given.

I'm not doing a great job by my own standards, yet.
I'm just telling you what I see on the horizen.
I am called to be a Shepherd of God's people. And that means I leave the 99...


hmm.
...I wonder what that feels like.