Between the borders

This entry could as easily be entitled, "Entangled in the Curtain".  Although, at second glance, the word, "entangled," is a bit of a doozy.

Fact: The term, "doozy" comes from an automobile, called the Duesenberg, built in the early 1900's.  The vehicle was known to be very ornate and outlandish.
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I am not skilled to understand what I am going through.  As if stuck between the lands of past and future, I am wavering here, having crossed...and yet, not quite crossed the borders of both.  I paused in this state of mind tonight.  Thinking on "life" and "stuff"...

Asking myself, "Where are you going?".  Hah! Reminds me of a song I used to sing as part of a children's choir.  That seems like another life, watching the images pass through my memory.  Maybe the inconclusive nature of these type of thoughts is what drove Solomon to such cold and pruny words in Ecclesiastes?

If my life is a vapor...and I am dust returning to dust...
....
These thoughts are only cold beauties.  With no heart.  Much like a vixen female, they lure me with their shallow stamped eyes and vampiric intentions.

...Not sure where that came from.
....I'm not removing it though.
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My heart is so hungry these days.  I can't help but feel the urge to grab a girl's hand when she's talking to me, no matter who she is...Or to catch myself daydreaming about having a significant other...just being able to relax into her arms, rest in fullness of love...Everyday my heart longings grow more pronounced.  And to this day, I pray them into alignment with what an even deeper craving shouts for.  The Reality of the person of God.  And His relationship with me.
I want real Jesus.
Not letters in a book or sermons or suedo-church clubs that scrape by with teacup sized portions of living water.

I was not made to be tempered and contorted into uniform shapes with others...Like part of some christian garden full of banzai trees, being pruned and meticulously shaped into a lifeless-vegetable-borg army.

I was made for mountains with wind rushing over the trees, for rock climbing and shouting, for dancing with recklessness, and sharp, ringing laughter.  I was made for abounding life, prancing and leaping within my smile.  I was made to be happy.  To be consumed with beserker-like passion for love with my King.  I was made to be a man of strength and beauty.  I know this.
I feel it speaking...deep inside me.
Always slowly pulsing, like the deeper echo of a heartbeat in my bones, in my core, in...my spirit.

My heart is on a journey "westward", to the uncharted wild lands, to find Jesus.  I've packed my proverbial bags and left.  I'm going to look for the Spirit of God out in the wilderness.
This is my heart.
This is my plan.
I'm unalterably set on this path.  I may be a part of this life, the same as I was yesterday, but if you watch close enough, you'll see my heart is lost out there...wandering in search of God.