Between the borders

This entry could as easily be entitled, "Entangled in the Curtain".  Although, at second glance, the word, "entangled," is a bit of a doozy.

Fact: The term, "doozy" comes from an automobile, called the Duesenberg, built in the early 1900's.  The vehicle was known to be very ornate and outlandish.
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I am not skilled to understand what I am going through.  As if stuck between the lands of past and future, I am wavering here, having crossed...and yet, not quite crossed the borders of both.  I paused in this state of mind tonight.  Thinking on "life" and "stuff"...

Asking myself, "Where are you going?".  Hah! Reminds me of a song I used to sing as part of a children's choir.  That seems like another life, watching the images pass through my memory.  Maybe the inconclusive nature of these type of thoughts is what drove Solomon to such cold and pruny words in Ecclesiastes?

If my life is a vapor...and I am dust returning to dust...
....
These thoughts are only cold beauties.  With no heart.  Much like a vixen female, they lure me with their shallow stamped eyes and vampiric intentions.

...Not sure where that came from.
....I'm not removing it though.
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My heart is so hungry these days.  I can't help but feel the urge to grab a girl's hand when she's talking to me, no matter who she is...Or to catch myself daydreaming about having a significant other...just being able to relax into her arms, rest in fullness of love...Everyday my heart longings grow more pronounced.  And to this day, I pray them into alignment with what an even deeper craving shouts for.  The Reality of the person of God.  And His relationship with me.
I want real Jesus.
Not letters in a book or sermons or suedo-church clubs that scrape by with teacup sized portions of living water.

I was not made to be tempered and contorted into uniform shapes with others...Like part of some christian garden full of banzai trees, being pruned and meticulously shaped into a lifeless-vegetable-borg army.

I was made for mountains with wind rushing over the trees, for rock climbing and shouting, for dancing with recklessness, and sharp, ringing laughter.  I was made for abounding life, prancing and leaping within my smile.  I was made to be happy.  To be consumed with beserker-like passion for love with my King.  I was made to be a man of strength and beauty.  I know this.
I feel it speaking...deep inside me.
Always slowly pulsing, like the deeper echo of a heartbeat in my bones, in my core, in...my spirit.

My heart is on a journey "westward", to the uncharted wild lands, to find Jesus.  I've packed my proverbial bags and left.  I'm going to look for the Spirit of God out in the wilderness.
This is my heart.
This is my plan.
I'm unalterably set on this path.  I may be a part of this life, the same as I was yesterday, but if you watch close enough, you'll see my heart is lost out there...wandering in search of God.

letter to a friend

Dearest Jesus,

My life is moving at light speed.  I feel like we're in the millennium falcon and the stars are rushing past us.

I don't want to miss out on the amazing things that are happening.  I want to slow my senses down and drink in every drop.
I try to believe that it's just a "season of divine acceleration" (haha) and that it will pass.  That soon we'll come out of warp speed and I'll have time to walk the autumn color-coated quiet streets and lazily contemplate beauty, romance, and dreams.  Doing things like that would be nice.

I want you to know, I think about you often.  I long to see your face.  I daydream about falling into your arms, and having peace wash over me...in one feel swoop wiping me clean, and leaving me in your warm embrace.

I don't understand where you're taking me...I know it's toward you, though...always toward you.

I'm not sure my point in writing you tonight, except...perhaps the therapeutic virtues of communicating that which is upon one's heart.  Anyway, I'm not looking for easy answers, but I am searching for You.  It's hard right now...not being able to touch You.  I want what we have to be real and tangible, to speak face to face, to know you like your Father knows you...deeply, intimately, fully.

That day will come.  It just hurts here, until it does.  My strongest affections and desires are for you.

Sincerely.