of Desires.

"My soul thirsts for God! For the Living GOD!!
When can I go and meet with Him?!"
(emphasis mine) ~Psalm 42:2

I'm unaware of how many others feel when it comes to the desires of their hearts, but I'm becoming more intensely aware of my own desires. I've discovered that I have a craving which defies description or definition. Words like hunger and thirst seem inadequate to represent this...driving desire. Yearning and longing come closer to it, but to be truthful, even they seem paltry in comparison to the actual feeling that growls and strains within me.

I credit my life in God with the leading of my heart by this insatiable hunger.

My own desires can end up leading me to walk a line which I oft' fail to balance upon. I end up tumbling with painful and injurious consequences.
However, this unidentifiable appetite ever leads me to God. Like a compass that can't help but point North, His spirit in me discerns the right path. Imposters end up being shown for what they are; other things just don't satisfy the way You do, God.

Ever more of You in me, God. Let my desire be refined till it shines pure and soft for the One and True fulfillment. Let my spirit be lead like a deer to water, ever more, ever more.

smoke and fire poem

I rush in like

wheres the fire?

Can't see the flames

for the smoke.



I bust in with

good intentions,

living water,

but I choke.



wheres the exit?

burnt scorched feet,

repleat with guilt,

where they've walked

and the strongholds I've built,

shells of dark worry populate and fill

my hurried hasty heart.




Oh say, Can we see,

the freedom we need?

Do failures build mountains,

or just build our grief?


When winter has come will we live

or let go?

I've been through the season, and now

I know that I know. :)

Pushing through the Crowd.

in my life, its easy to get distracted.
nothing new, right?
we all do.

WELL!

Heres the rub, and its a bad one.
not like a massage, or a gentle pat.

I know this now, that God has a creative and unique path for my life.
I have a specific set of problems and strengths, friends and family.
I am not living out a textbook or template.

A piece of paper told me that I'd improve my effectiveness by "Declaring".
Heres a declaration: I don't know about where i'm going, but i'm dreaming and leaving the rest to God. Call it impractical, but I'm trusting in this venture.

I get distracted by paths, giftings, hints of possibilities for my future, but the truth is that I must remain centered on Christ. it's simple but true.

I don't know how I'm going to learn the skills necessary to be the man I want to be,
But I do know a Man who I was made in the image of. And to my credit, he's actively at work in my life. Distractions in the form of self-progress come my way more often than you'd guess, but I must stay focussed. "run the race" you know?

Here's another declaration:
(this isn't a fierce rub like the previous. It's more of a brain massage)
Being open to the odd leadings often leads to beautiful, big, heart changing experiences.

thank you for reading.
that is all.

Step Two

(This entry is an old draft, from several months ago, that I saved and never posted. I've gone back and finished it for your viewing pleasure.)

It's been a while since we last spoke



The craziest thing about being vulnerable is the results! surprising!



I work with three women, they all have 2-3 kids, families, etc. This one co-worker in particular was having a rough couple days (she's going through menopause). I don't know exactly what that means, but she reminds me often that she IS going through it, so I imagine its unpleasant in the least. Anyway, I was praying for her one night as I lay in bed, just conversationally talking to God about helping her...



And I got this idea to write her a letter. So I sat up, clicked on the light, and began writing. I told her what I appreciated about her and ended with a short bit of prayer for her. The next day I left it on her desk before she got into work.



Later that day, I walked into her office looking for a certain product, and as I shuffled through items, she said, "Thank you for your thoughts in that letter. It was sweet."
...I turned and said said, "You're welcome", and found myself facing a pair of eyes that weren't purely thankful...



She paused, as if waiting for me to respond with more, and when I did not, she pressed in further. "You make it seem like I'm going through hell. I'm doing fine. I'm just going through menopause." (The last word, "menopause" spoken with a bit more emphasis than the rest.)

I replied that I hadn't been trying to imply anything of the sort, and I apologized for how my words affected her. The conversation ended awkwardly and it took her a few days to get back to treating me normally.

That's the story, and here is the concluding thought:

This is an example of ME, doing something outside my comfort zone. I usually don't like doing stuff like giving a heartfelt letter to a co-worker for fear of reactions like the one she had. ha.

It actually wasn't that bad though; it didn't affect me like I thought it would. I feared being honest and sincere like that because I thought a bad reaction would wreck and batter my heart.

Not too say that it was warm and fuzzy all over; it kinda sucked, being honest and friendly and have it taken completely different than expected. But I guess I ended up feeling okay with it, because I did my best to make good of the situation. In fact, you could say I was proud of myself after that. That day was a step in the right direction for the growth and maturity of my heart.

more later. :)

Step One: It starts with confidence.

I've packed my proverbial bags and set my metaphorical step,

and the first mile marker on this journey around the world (of self-discovery) is Step One: Confidence.



It takes a lot of faith to do things. I generalize the term: "things," because each person is different. For me: going to a crowded party and interacting with the huge group bit by bit in those awkward little 3 minute conversations with typical forced laughter at the unwieldy jokes and queer mannerisms and eating the weird snacks that the host has chosen as some cheap attempt at high-browed culture...THAT takes confidence. For others, that'd be easy, and even fun.



I've decided: I have confidence that things will be alright if I do something which scares me. So, I'm trying to do "things" which scare me. And it begins by trying. I have confidence that if I try one little adventure in vulnerability, I'll be okay. And to add to that statement, I have hope that if I keep trying I'll find out wonderful things and grow as a person.

...



The Future (of unknowns). I don't know where I'm going. (I guess, this blog won't actually talk about my growth in confidence, but it'll begin by telling you about the lack of. I apologize for impeding your closure-hungry hearts, and prattling on about this pre-topic: topic.)

---I have often heard it said that Men should have a plan. I've heard Preachers telling women to: "stay away from indecisive Men." ...People that spread and purvey advise like that scare me.

...Because I don't know where I am going. Not that I don't have a plan...It's just that, were I to be ask my plan, I'd answer, "I'm working a part time job and enjoying life, and I feel like that's where God wants me right now, so I'm going to keep doing it and wait to see what He has for my future." And that, my friends, doesn't sound like much of a plan at all. In fact, if you boil it down, my plan is to wait for God to tell me His plan. HA! That sounds much better when I put it that way...It seems to convey a sense of spiritual security and confidence...
(which is what I'm going for!)

So...I'll end with a question, "What will it take for you to move forward with your future?"

let the pondering begin...

Vulnerability...what?

I was crying to the LORD with my voice, And He answered me from His holy mountain. Selah.

....

*In remembrance of Joey Salas*

He sat across from me, his dark eyes seeming restless and non-commital.

The posture of his body in an oddly comfortable, yet contorted position.

He said he thought that I had just this tiny little block that was holding me back from being strong, and free, and living the life i was created to live.

That quintessential man, who is confident and assured, with purpose and power...that man seems so close, as if held back and bound by a string of mere twine. (this part was my own embellishment, but I'm sure Joey would give his approval, were he here today.)



That night ended with popcorn and shows on TLC about wedding dresses, but before we drove away from the church where we had reclined and "chilled", AND before we had left the parking lot of Casa Roja's...he told me something I'd always known about myself, but had little understanding of how to address.



He pointed right at my heart, open and ungaurded in his discerning eyes, and said, "I think you need to be more vulnerable."



I agreed, with little emotion to the contrary, and we moved on in our conversational path, beginning some odd argument/battle/dialogue over "the heart of spiritual warfare." We wrestled over it for quite some time before it was remedied by the wise third party word's of Hanna, Joey's Fiance. She was in the middle of eating Juan's burrito, but she cleared up what we THOUGHT was a disagreement, with little difficulty. (By the way, we're not sure who Juan is, but his burrito is siiiick!).

I digress. Back on track. Vulnerability. This morning, in Growth Group, for the college age youth at our church, Rhonda began talking about bondage, and how she wanted us to go into a prolonged study of Christ's promises to us, in relation to bondage we are under.

I hate vulnerability, but I want it.
...
...
...
I want it SO bad! I'm SO hungry for this person I am to be righted. For my heart to be satisfied. For my life to be one of love and rejoicing! I thirst for depth and truth!

Because of the discussion that followed the Rhonda's introduction into our new study, I was left with frustration brimming over the mixing pot of my heart. My frustration stemmed from the comparison of the present state of hearts with this dream of mine: I want the body of believers, in which I am a part, to be truthful in their thoughts and feelings, open to being wrong and willing to change, and most of all, loving in their approach to resolving this very apparent need of accountability and freedom.

This first post is simply to begin a passage from a clammed up, scared person, to one who is confident and vulnerable with support and accountability. A roadmarker, if you will, at the start of a wonderful journey!

stay tuned...